I Hate Driving

The title does not lie. There is this build-up of stress inside of me right before I get in any vehicle. To be honest, I have hardly driven compared to other Americans who live in rural areas. I have heard of individuals who don’t own a vehicle, but should. They don’t seem to have the same problems whenever they have the chance to drive though.

I didn’t receive a permit until I was 17 years of age. The truth is that I failed the test twice before I finally passed. This was all within the span of about a week. My father didn’t really push me to drive. He was happy to do it for me. Yes, he drove me to school in the morning and back home. In fact, he drove me home for lunch and back. Why would I feel motivated to drive a vehicle when I had a chauffeur (more like a body guard).

Now I know why he did what he did. He was trying to keep me inexperienced and hoped I wouldn’t get into any kind of trouble. I still did, a little, but I have always been an introvert. When I did venture out, I preferred to be outside and nearby–alone. It was easy to just walk somewhere or ask my father for a ride. Of course, I was a homebody more than anything.

Most people that I know had one permit and then a license–not me. I had 3 driving permits for the span of 5 years. The only awful picture I’ve ever taken was during my second permit. That was a bad year for me, anyway.

There were a few reason why I finally had to get a driver’s license. The major one being the death of my dad in 2014. That would, of course, be the end of my free rides. Also, I had my first boyfriend who quickly became my husband. It was just time to take that step in life. I needed to replace my dad when it came to taking my mother to appointments and grocery shopping. Additionally, my husband thought I would find a job 8-25 miles away like a normal person. That didn’t actually pan out, as usual.

How was the test for the driving license? Well, I was nervous as ever. I drove around a small town, but the town (village) I’m from is smaller still. I was sweating the whole time. Obviously, I passed. I was told to be careful because I drove too close to a man walking his dog. Also, that town has mostly yield crossings, but very few of them have an actual yield sign… The lack of visible white paint at a red light caused me a slight issue. Apparently, crossing in to the opposite lane and surpassing one vehicle, while using the proper mirrors, was one of the most important aspect of passing the test. I believe I would have failed even in a large town. Forget the City.

As you can see, I am a late bloomer. Additionally, I am immature and inexperienced in so many matters. There is a pattern. Of course, after I was married I needed to get a new license. To be honest, I got lazy. I avoided doing it for several months even though it was only a matter of taking a new picture. The office just brings back the unnecessary anxiety. Also, I hate the weight section of the card. You can see my erratic weight losses and gains. I am currently 100 lbs if you are curious.

So how is my driving? I’m okay. I haven’t really been tested. The last time I drove around a large town I put a hole in the oil pan. I don’t usually talk about it. The worst was in trying to pass a semi, but getting too close. Basically, had the driver not been totally focused then we would have gone under and died. He pushed the brakes, honked, passed us, and drove on about 10 mi/hr faster than necessary. I would cause that. I can be oblivious one minute and then anal grandma the next. Regardless, I am always stressed. The fear of driving is a crutch.

Melancholy Phlegmatic Profile

I can thank Tim LaHaye for my interest in the four temperaments. This type of personality assessment is mostly popular among Christians–especially Catholics. Anyway, my personality type is Melancholy-Phlegmatic; melancholia is my dominant feature followed by the phlegmatic traits. More thoroughly, I am really a Melancholy-Phlegmatic-Choleric, but it’s more difficult to find more details on 3-blends rather than 2-blends. I located a substantial amount of information on a Christian counseling website:

General description of people who are Melancholy Phlegmatic  in Inclusion:

  1. Introvert — on the surface, he/she has a better ability to socialize than most introverts and needs more socialization than most introverts
  2. Does not initiate social interaction, but responds to a moderate degree when others initiate social interaction.
  3. Surface relationships are few and far between.
  4. Task-oriented — relates better to tasks and systems and has little understanding of people.
  5. Slow-paced — prefers working at a slow, steady pace and loses momentum as the day progresses.
  6. Needs alone time every day to think, dream and recharge his low energy reserves.
  7. Strong-minded — once his/her mind is made up, he/she has a hard time changing it.
  8. Self-motivated — will make changes or move from the present state only when his/her mind commands

Melancholy Phlegmatic  in Inclusion:
Potential strengths which should be encouraged, used and developed:

  1. “Rolls with the punches” — can deal with rejection and acceptance equally well
  2. Good mind for seeing both the end result and the pitfalls of a project which he/she has undertaken

Melancholy Phlegmatic  in Inclusion:
Potential weaknesses which should be considered and dealt with:

  1. Has a low energy reserve and tires easily
  2. Low self-esteem — constantly searches the environment to confirm this low self perception
  3. Possesses a “dry” (sarcastic) sense of humor that can be irritating to others
  4. Moody — mood swings follow thinking process

General description of people who are Melancholy Phlegmatic in Control:

  1. Independent.
  2. Expresses very little or no control over the lives and behaviors of others and will tolerate very little control imposed upon him/her by others.
  3. Will become angry if someone interferes with his independence, tries to control him/her or tell him/her what to do.
  4. Has moderate doubts about his/her ability to approach unfamiliar areas of responsibility.
  5. “Dry” sense of humor (sometimes witty, often sarcastic) is used as a defense mechanism.
  6. Requires ample time before making a decision in unknown areas.
  7. Moderate fear of the unknown (not as great as a Melancholy).

Melancholy Phlegmatic in Control:
Potential strengths which should be encouraged, used and developed:

  1. In known areas of responsibility, tends to be quite confident and capable of making decisions and taking on responsibilities.
  2. Inner directed, self-motivated.

Melancholy Phlegmatic in Control:
Potential weaknesses which should be considered and dealt with:

  1. Tends to procrastinate because of lack of confidence — procrastination is ventilated in the form of stubbornness.
  2. Becomes stubborn if someone attempts to motivate him/her by promise of reward or threat of punishment.
  3. Moderate fear of being socially exposed for being incompetent and out of control of his/her circumstances.
  4. Will become angry if made to look foolish, confronted for mistakes, or made to look like a failure — anger is ventilated by “dry” humor, sarcastic remarks
  5. Under certain circumstances, can be legalistic, rigid, stubborn and uncompromising.

General description of people who are Melancholy Phlegmatic in Affection:

  1. Expresses and wants only a moderate amount of love and affection
  2. He/she is emotionally guarded, rarely showing or saying how he/she feels — needs to learn how to show deep, tender feelings in ways others can understand
  3. The people with whom he/she chooses to have a deep relationship must make him/her feel “safe” and meet criteria which are in his/her mind
  4. Hides personal feelings behind a “dry” (sometimes witty and often sarcastic) sense of humor

Potential strengths which should be encouraged, used and developed:

  1. Faithful and loyal friend if treated properly

Potential weaknesses which should be considered and dealt with:

  1. If rejected, insulted or offended by a deep personal relationship, he/she uses his/her “dry” and “biting” sense of humor to take vengeance.
  2. Tends to be an observer of deep relationships and uses “dry” humor to avoid becoming too involved — this is a defense mechanism to protect his/her low energy level
  3. Resists affection from others because he/she has very little energy and it takes “too much” energy to respond.

Melancholy Phlegmatic In Inclusion

Affection: Melancholy Phlegmatic

Control: Melancholy Phlegmatic

Politically Left or Right-Leaning?

This isn’t exactly the most accurate of tests. I am certain that there needs to be more than 20 questions for legitimacy. The results did slightly disturb me. Many INFJ’s, and other similar types, tend to be socialist democrats or avoid politics altogether. As a teenager, I had typical INFJ feelings towards religion and politics. When I wasn’t an agnostic I did practice Wicca. My negative view of politically conservative Christians was highly stereotypical. Well, lo and behold, that is what I became several years into adulthood. I cannot say that I expected it to be so.

Honestly, I am not an extremist. I am definitely more idealistic and romantic versus realistic and factual, but I do carry a certain level of common sense. My opinions and votes only reach so far–I know. I would state that, officially, my social and fiscal convictions place me as a moderate Republican. I am definitely beyond centrist. What keeps me from being fully right-wing? Well, I am very creative, partial to a plant-based diet, would love for this planet to be free from pollution, have an addiction to grotesque forms of romance, and I am too pessimistic. Additionally, my alter-egos and preferred style choices help me stick out like a butchered thumb; there is the half-naked bohemian, not-so-innocent book nerd, and the leather and fur addicted industrial goth. (Note: I am too broke to fully embody the last one.) There is a bit of “crazy” running inside my head though.

Perhaps I am more left-leaning than I am truly capable of accepting. I can’t say, can I? Obviously I have made an enormous switch in beliefs before. I am kind of afraid of those types of changes, but I am known for that sort of behavior. Does that mean I actually am an extremist then?

Political Left / Right Test

Helen Fisher’s Personality Test

I took another online quiz. Apparently, Helen Fisher is a biological anthropologist and works at the Kinsey Institute. Well, there are 12 combination results (a primary and secondary). I do wonder if she wasn’t inspired by Myers-Briggs. My test result was Negotiator/Builder.

Your Primary personality Type is Negotiator.

NEGOTIATORS are philosophers. These women (and men) express traits linked with the estrogen system in the brain. These people see the big picture. They are imaginative and intuitive. They have superb language and people skills. They are also emotionally expressive, as well as agreeable, trusting and compassionate. Negotiators seek someone with whom they can make an intensely intimate, deeply meaningful, inspiring and spiritual connection. But Negotiators, like Directors, prefer to go out with one person at a time and to explore the depths of this potential partnership. They dislike wasting time on irrelevant, trivial or boring socializing. When they find “The One,” Negotiators are superb at generating and maintaining intimacy with this partner. They avoid conflicts with a mate, and make major personal adjustments to strengthen this cherished bond. They give thoughtful gifts, such as a treasured book or photograph. They share their most personal feelings. And they want their partner to share his or her feelings too.

Negotiators are often attracted to their opposite, Directors.

I believe I am too immature to be completely compassionate and agreeable. Also, I am somewhat willing to create conflict with the people I love. My usual habit of running away is definitely a way to avoid conflict. All else is true for me though.

Your Secondary personality type is Builder.

BUILDERS are pillars of society. Most likely highly expressive of the serotonin system in the brain, they are traditional and conventional, as well as cautious, calm and often social. These men and women like to build networks; community and family are important to them. They make good managers because they are orderly, conscientious, thorough and loyal. And they respect rules and like schedules. Builders seek a stable and predictable team player, someone who shares their fidelity to family and tradition. They take courtship seriously, too. Builders don’t choose a partner impulsively. They believe in good manners, old-fashioned courtesy, punctuality and well-arranged schedules. Builders tend to think concretely; they are literal; they like and trust facts. So on a date, a Builder is likely to engage in tangible conversations – about food, travel, sports, the weather, TV programs and/or movies. They are often good at “small talk,” short conversations on concrete topics. They can be very modest when discussing their achievements. And they tend to take the opinions of their friends and relatives seriously.

Honestly, I am not social. I am outwardly calm around most, but secretly dying on the inside. Just because I am a perfectionist does not equal great management skills. I certainly cannot stand small talk, and I can partake in abstract topics. The rest sounds accurate.

There was a section that explained relationship combinations, but apparently a Negotiator/Builder doesn’t exist. It may be that a Builder primary with a Negotiator secondary is more common. Besides, I would have to force my husband to take the quiz. I don’t believe my result sounds like an INFJ or a 4w5. Perhaps a Negotiator primary with an Explorer secondary would be the equivalent.

Source: Helen Fisher’s Personality Test


Lonerwolf Enneagram Test

Well, I took another random test as usual. I already know that I am a 4w5 based off other random tests that exist on the Internet. I found the percentages to be interesting.

Ego Fixation: Melancholy

Holy Idea: Origin

Basic Fear: They have no identity or personal significance

Motivations: To find themselves and their significance

Virtue To Learn: Equanimity (Emotional Balance)
The Holy Idea of “Origin” is to do with the understanding that everything derives from our Soul, or source of consciousness. The distortion here occurs when our personality or ego is searching outside of itself for an “Origin” and in doing so, romanticizes a quest for the “holy grail” that never quite seems to be attainable.
The Individualist is usually a self-aware, sensitive, and reserved person. They are emotionally honest, creative, and personal, but can also be moody and self-conscious. The Individualist has a tendency to withdraw from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective, and often feels disdain for ordinary ways of living. This type of person typically has problems with melancholy, self-indulgence, and self-pity.
The main obstacle for The Individualist is that they believe themselves to be “special” as a result of their longing for the origin of everything, or their perpetual search for that which will finally complete them (think of the stereotypical poet).
This defense mechanism of feeling “more special than others” can often be rooted in feelings of abandonment in early years (either physical or emotional) resulting in doubts of self-worth. In later years this results in the desire to compensate for these feelings of inadequacy by becoming important in some way.
Examples: Edgar Allen Poe, Anne Rice, Virginia Woolf, Jackie Kennedy Onassis, Pyotr I Tchaikovsky, Johnny Depp.
Ego Fixation: Resentment

Holy Idea: Perfection

Basic Fear: Being corrupted, imbalanced, being bad

Motivations: Being right, improving everything, consistency, avoiding criticism.

Virtue to Learn: Serenity
The primary point of fixation of this personality is the “Holy Idea” of Perfection. Holy Perfection is the notion that everything is perfect as it is and nothing needs to change.

However, the Perfectionist’s personality distorts this understanding and forms comparative judgments, believing that some things are “more right” than others. This is true on the subjective level of the ego personality, but not on the absolute level of the Holy Ideas.
For this reason The Perfectionist tends to resent external reality as it often fails to live up to their ideals. The Perfectionist is often conscientious and ethical, with a strong sense of right and wrong, and makes an excellent teacher, crusader and advocate for change, always striving to improve the world. At the core of The Perfectionist is the fear of making mistakes because the resentment they direct towards the world is often redirected to themselves.
Examples: Confucius, Plato, Joan of Arc, Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, Margaret Thatcher.
Ego Fixation: Stinginess

Holy Idea: Omniscience

Basic Fear: Being useless, helpless, or incapable

Motivations: Wanting to possess knowledge, desiring to understand the environment, needing to have everything figured out

Virtue To Learn: Non-Attachment
The Holy Idea of “Omniscience” refers to the profound notion of diversity within unity—of not just seeing the whole forest, but craving to observe the intricacy of every single detail within it. Omniscience can be likened to the desire to have “God’s knowledge.”
The Observer tends to believe that they are deeply separated from existence; disconnected, isolated, not part of the details of the Whole. Accordingly, The Observer sets about observing life with stingy involvement; with minimal participation, minimizing personal interactions, and even actively hides away from reality.
The Observer’s inner solitude is the key element behind their ability to be alert, insightful, and curious, often developing complex ideas and skills. Independent, innovative, and inventive, The Observer can also sometimes get wound up in their abstract thoughts and imaginary constructs. It is not uncommon for The Observer to become detached, yet high-strung, and intense. They typically have problems with eccentricity, nihilism, and isolation.
Examples: Albert Einstein, Vincent van Gogh, Friedrich Nietzsche, Emily Dickinson, Agatha Christie, Salvador Dali, Bill Gates.

I cannot be a 4w1, can I? Otherwise, I am still just your everyday 4w5. I do see myself as a type 1, but even more so as a 4.

Source: Enneagram Test

Dreaming The Future?

I am one of those individual’s who’s dreams do become reality. No, I am not speaking about fantasies or goals but about random, nonsensical dreams.

Yesterday, I was painting a house with my husband. We were almost finished with the job when his brother-in-law came to check on us. There was a bit of serious conversation but mostly the usual hilarious shit-talk. Anyway, my husband mentions how dirty and disorganized the house is on the inside, and that painting it only helps the outer image. So his brother-in-law refers to the act of polishing a turd. I, in turn, add that it is similar to when a woman with an unattractive face uses a ton of makeup. They are still laughing, but at this point I have déjà vu.

I remember having this dream before. I would say that it happened twice before I was even married, and twice afterwards. The conversation was exact–word for word. The setting of a small bluish house, cropped weeds, shade, and a setting sun were all the same. All I had pictured was a tall white man and a tall Hispanic man standing nearby. Their faces were always blurred. I have truly never painted anyone’s house other than my own, and the color was brown. I really don’t have an explanation for the precision of it all.

This is not the first time this has occurred in my life either, and I imagine it will not be the last. It shocks me every time. To be honest, I never find it helpful. This happens for the most mundane experiences in life. It doesn’t seem to make a difference for me.

Fear of Aging/Gerascophobia

I think about how I will look decades from now. Actually, I ponder what the next 5 years will do to my face. I seem to have this fear of wrinkles, sagging, and constantly growing ears and nose. It’s beyond being self-absorbed–it’s a phobia. I keep changing my habits so that I can prevent what I see as damage. I know it’s inevitable to age, but I keep hoping that I’ll resemble a version of me that is always 5-10 years younger.

I am a Melancholic-Phlegmatic

The melancholic-phlegmatic is tidier, more procedural and less flexible than the phlegmatic-melancholic. He may be slower to take on new projects, as the melancholic fear of new situations and tendency to perfectionism takes over. The double-dose of introversion, along with the melancholic tendency to negativity, makes it difficult for him to give compliments and make upbeat small talk. It also causes him to instinctively say “no” when he first hears a request. Others may perceive this as “snobbishness.” Unless the melancholic-phlegmatic is very comfortable, and is surrounded by understanding long-time friends, he may find himself somewhat isolated and alone, unable to warm up in a social gathering. He is less critical and less grudge-bearing than a pure melancholic or a melancholic-choleric. However, the tendency of the melancholic to dwell on things for a long time in their mind, combined with the sensitivity of the phlegmatic toward interpersonal relationships, can result in long-lasting hurts, an erosion of self-confidence and self-esteem, and even depression. Extremely sensitive and possessing a longing for the ideal (melancholic), they are also highly attentive to what others need or desire, through their phlegmatic aspect. This makes them more than usually susceptible to anxiety and a negative self-image

This temperament combination is highly driven to succeed—not for success’ sake alone, but because their melancholic nature is drawn to high ideals, and their phlegmatic side will have a strong desire to please. Thus, they are capable of long-range planning, organization, and attention to detail that makes them excellent and conscientious scholars. They are capable of pursuing highly idealistic goals, usually with long-term academic requirements, such as attaining their doctorate. They value their friendships, but can spend many hours alone reading or studying. They may have a tendency to hypochondria or to genuine physical weaknesses, as well as a tendency to timidity and anxiety, especially about new activities or ventures.

One melancholic-phlegmatic we know is highly organized, critical, slow, and dogmatically unforgiving, yet reveals her phlegmatic aspect in her intense discomfort with confrontation (unless she is very at ease among the warring members) and in her strong relationships with her friends. You wouldn’t guess that she is so devoted to her friends, however, because true to her melancholic nature she rarely initiates contact with them – they always have to call her first. A tendency to avoid the stresses of social interaction by spending overmuch time alone—whether in scholarly pursuits or reading for relaxation—is something that melancholic-phlegmatics need to watch out for.

If your temperament is melancholic-phlegmatic, for a better understanding of your temperament it is recommended that you read the full descriptions of the melancholic and phlegmatic.

Source: The Melancholic / Phlegmatic